& I feel alright

Things change so fast and things change so slow, so slow it hurts and so fast it breaks and we are left looking into each other's eyes, wondering why we have nothing to say. I can feel the sadness swell up in me.. it seems like all we know these days is disappointment. So, we will say goodbye, though neither of us is ready.. it will feel wrong, it will make our stomachs squirm and our limbs feel heavy. We will hold each other for one more night, feeling horrible for the thoughts we thought in fleeting moments of anger or stress, wondering why we didn't better enjoy our time together. But what could we have done? All we have are these mouths that speak and hands that touch, so shouldn't this all be enough? To hold each other and love each other and feel some sort of desperation that makes it physically painful to walk away from one another.. that is enough! It is too much almost, causing sorrow and pain and emotions we prefer to deny and suffocate. So we pretend instead, that nothing will change, that nothing has changed.

Waiting

I am so sorry. But now it's time for us to move forward. I will fix this. I won't give up. East coast or down the street, you will still mean the same to me. I won't let you go.

what is it that makes us want to be skinner? skinner than skinny? what is it that makes us want to drop five pounds from the five pounds we just dropped? what is it?

Don't be too easy on yourself.. don't be to hard on yourself.. people keep changing what I need to be to myself. But here is what I believe, I fucked up. I made a mistake, one that changes things. But I was honest to you, I was ready to grow and learn from it, but you left me in the dust. And I'll I have learned is that people don't forgive, people don't truly care. Because I truly care.. and when you made a mistake I was willing to look past it and form something stronger with the truth in my hands. I made a mistake, it was horrible, but if you can't even try to move past it with me, than were you really ever trying to go anywhere with me?

starting again

things change fast, i feel so unwelcome in my own life, like it doesn't want me there. i've let great things go, and bad things take me in. i've been making mistakes and learning fast and painfully. i've been crying, screaming, i've been scared and lost and embraced and sick and forgotten and involved and let go. i have no idea where to go, if i should walk or run.. but i can only move forward towards the infinite possibilities.

Unreal

Long time coming, you finally sat on my bed. Those rolled up skinny jeans and dark flannel covering your skin and bones. Once short hair, now long, dark against your smooth skin. Your breathing was wary, your lips impossible to avoid, you spoke smoothly, slowly, thoughtfully. I hung on every word like a kid on slippery monkey bars, quickly grasping the next before the last slipped away. Our legs were only a few inches apart, electricity jumping from our knees, hot skin prickling. It was late and there was no reason to go out now, so we sat quietly, anxious each other’s presence. We spoke about anything…  and nothing… and everything. We lied with a reasonable distance between our frames, but I could still feel the heat of your body glowing onto the sheets. As the night dissolved, exhaustion took place of nerves and we sank closer together in the bed. You smelled like cinnamon and the air at dusk, and you sounded like a song on my favorite CD. Night wore into early morning and we found ourselves stirring after a few hours of unexpected slumber. Still rubbing sleep from our eyes we laughed in the pureness of being tangled in dreams together.

            Yesterday’s warm day gave no warning for the morning’s cool air, and I pried the window open. We listened as the wind brought the clouds closer and a light rain began to fall. The drizzling awoke our bodies and without a warning you pulled me close. Your mouth touched the side of my face, soft lips running over my cheek. At the edge of my mouth you paused and I gasped a tiny breath. We tasted each other, our lips softly playing and our tongues tangling. My hands explored your collarbones, your thin chest; rib bones under my fingertips. My mouth followed and tasted your skin. You sighed and pulled my body on top of yours and kissed me hard and long. You held me tight and flipped over so you could press your body onto mine. You breathed down my stomach, your lips sliding along my skin. In a careful mess of hands we removed the now unwanted clothing and continued to kiss and touch. You were so sweet on my lips, like sugar; you melted on my tongue.

My head was so calm and clear for a girl who never wanted someone so badly. But it was just so right, you were everything I needed at that moment; you touched my body like I was unreal to you, like you were afraid I’d disappear if you didn’t hold on tight enough. I was never so sure of anything in my whole life. With the rain pattering on the screen behind our head you carefully swept your body along mine. We both murmured in the ecstasy of the sensation of our bodies joining. We moved with our heartbeats, our fingers entangled in each other’s hair. Our pulse drove us to finally cry out and sink into the blankets, warm with the heat from our desires. I nestled my face into your chest and your fingers found mine and intertwined. A whisper of wind twisted into the room and I looked up to the window; the clouds had darkened. I smiled as the rain began to come down harder and harder than before.  

Untitled

My nose hurts like blood and my head like three hours of sleep and no coffee. My tongue is white in the middle from overcooked, overdue lunch and my lips are cracked on the edge from fake smiles and a dry heat. My fingers throb from vainly applied glue and plastic ripped off by cheap glue and plastic filled with overpriced odds and ends. My eyes close from an onset anxiety attack and my mouth droops in an inevitable frown. My body yells out in tender muscles torn and bruised from 40% alcohol by volume and music that provides me my only solace. Everything I know changes today. My heart beats unnaturally to tell you goodbye, I am just not sure if I should ever see you again, because everything I know changes today, and I never really got to know you, so I think you will stay the same.

My skins shivers in the haunted house of yesterday's life.