This Disease.

  And I stood on weak legs and looked out into the stadium. Thousands of people and no faces. There were lights and colors and noises and excitement all around me, but I was blind and deaf. I could only feel my heart beating fearfully in my chest. My eyes blurred and the world around me shifted. I was falling, and no one knew.. but who could I tell? I was dizzy with each breath I took in. I wanted to scream out, yell for help, fall into someone's arms in reality.. just so they could see how I was collapsing on the inside. The last place I wanted to be was standing and hurting and being overwhelmed with excitement and disappointment and the multitude of emotions rushing through my body. But there was no where else I wanted to go. I would just be alone and being beat with the same feelings.
  And so my head spun with the possibilities of each moment. The crowd was cheering silently, the players were running, the ground shook under each footstep they took.. heal toe, sinking grass, brown dirt, heal toe, lights flashing and I couldn't breathe. Why am I suffocating? Why am I drowning? Why does the idea of just smiling seem like a battle? But if I cried out for someone, for help.. I would be admitting defeat. Admitting that I no longer have control. I want so desperately to wake up and feel real again. I don't even remember who I am anymore. I lost myself.
  And I can't remember the last time I did something I loved. When was the last time I took photographs? The last time I did yoga? The last time I put on a song and just danced around? When was the last time I was truly happy? And I know.. and it was so long ago. So I stared out into the stadium and cried in the numbness I was existing in.