the last 4 months

i officially have four months to live out my reckless, rebellious teenage-hood i never acted on. i have no idea where to start. but great things will come from this, i just know it.

make love to everything you touch

a constant desire to feel life passionately will leave you in a beautiful mess and with your heart floating through the clouds. i am so lovesick for these small moments that drive my world into sun-spotted infiniteness.

again

and just when i thought everything was getting better..
i feel terrible again

Religion vs. Church vs. Belief

i believe.

i feel Him more when i see the patience radiate through the passerby's i encounter

i feel Him more when i see the smile, the acknowledging glance, glimmer of hope in someone's movement

i believe

thats all i need

you

this song always reminds me of you and of this world we've spun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24o9O_wzceE

now it's time for me to let go

i cry out in desire for those who have slipped through my fingers, those who burned my tongue but disappeared like a shadow in the sun..

in the tangles of desire

and as you taunt me and tease me on the daily, i remember the way you made me feel a year ago.. the way just your presence electrified me to the bone.. i still dream at night that you will remember these moments and give into me..

"the dark room"
deep red
like the blood rushing
through your pulsing veins
smooth, melting on
my skin
the dress you are eyeing,
dying
to take of my
flushed body
impatient with anticipation
my breath calls for you
landing on your neck
hot and sweet
my hands
twisting
through your dark hair
cinnamon on your lips
let me taste you
scratches on my back,
it's hard to resist
my skin touching yours
deep red
like your teasing mouth
running over my collarbone
under the glow
of the dark room lights
my only thought is
you
your rough hand
pressing me tight
against your arched chest
tongue through my teeth
tracing down
your ridges...
rip me to pieces
my dress is on the floor
deep red

White Bunny

in my hands
i hold you
newborn
soft and warm
i love you with an unguarded passion
you respond with quiet sounds
and you cuddle in close to me
you love me fiercely back
but the world is bright and new
and you jump from my hands
to explore and see and know
you run fast and far
i chase and cry out
i follow you
i need to hold you, protect you
i need to love you
and feel your love back
you pass through the gate
and i am jailed inside
i climb and jump with no luck
but suddenly you return
my white bunny no more
you have grown, bigger with gray markings
but i still love you, i have loved you all along
and you still love me.. though i hold on tight to never let you go again
you are willing to stay, willing to love and be loved
and i am happy once again

Curiosity killed the kitty..

I often find myself enthralled with new people who fill me with curiosity.
You have made me curious.

I want to know you.

This Disease.

  And I stood on weak legs and looked out into the stadium. Thousands of people and no faces. There were lights and colors and noises and excitement all around me, but I was blind and deaf. I could only feel my heart beating fearfully in my chest. My eyes blurred and the world around me shifted. I was falling, and no one knew.. but who could I tell? I was dizzy with each breath I took in. I wanted to scream out, yell for help, fall into someone's arms in reality.. just so they could see how I was collapsing on the inside. The last place I wanted to be was standing and hurting and being overwhelmed with excitement and disappointment and the multitude of emotions rushing through my body. But there was no where else I wanted to go. I would just be alone and being beat with the same feelings.
  And so my head spun with the possibilities of each moment. The crowd was cheering silently, the players were running, the ground shook under each footstep they took.. heal toe, sinking grass, brown dirt, heal toe, lights flashing and I couldn't breathe. Why am I suffocating? Why am I drowning? Why does the idea of just smiling seem like a battle? But if I cried out for someone, for help.. I would be admitting defeat. Admitting that I no longer have control. I want so desperately to wake up and feel real again. I don't even remember who I am anymore. I lost myself.
  And I can't remember the last time I did something I loved. When was the last time I took photographs? The last time I did yoga? The last time I put on a song and just danced around? When was the last time I was truly happy? And I know.. and it was so long ago. So I stared out into the stadium and cried in the numbness I was existing in.

Way away, away from here..

If I ran away,
started over,
played in a new world,
would you hate me?

I'm just not sure if I can be here anymore.. I want to leave so desperately.
Everyday, I look at the clock and at the sky and think.. do I have time to just leave?

So I'm sorry if I ruin it all, but it just hurts to be here.

Tattoos

I'm sick of this skin again today
Tat me up, draw on my with pretty colors
Make me look more like myself then I ever have
Just take that needle to my body
Please make me pretty, just make me pretty

don't be shellfish!

and when we think the only way is to not exist anymore.. we are wrong.. because we still exist within others and they need us there, they need us to be selfless and live, live for them, even if we can't live for ourselves..

don't forget that we are alive..

we exist.

we open our eyes in the morning 

we breathe in the sweet air

we feel the sun on our shoulders

but have you forgotten to notice?

notice that we exist.. and that this is splendid?

forget about the fillers for a minute

class will go on, shows will still happen

cars will still speed by, people will keep walking and talking

but you, you will play in the sunshine

you will feel the breeze lick your ears

you will dance with your arms open and the crisp grass under your bare feet

because you will remember how beautiful it is to exist.

"This years love had better last"

He found God. The boy felt God in the crisp morning air caressing his arms, heard God in the purring sound of his guitar chords, tasted God in the water cascading over his tongue, smelled God in the flowers budding quietly in the bushes. And the boy saw God. He saw God every time he closed his eyes, every time he looked to the sky, every time he prayed and prayed so hard. The boy saw God every time he looked out into the rows of other kids in silent adoration, praising the one and the only. And then the boy saw her. Brown hair, curled so softly around her proud shoulders. Lips so slightly open to breathe in the life pouring throughout the room. Her eyes reflected the pure passion of her religious experience; he could not rightly look away. She caught his eye, she held his stare. His fingers sighed and craved to turn up towards the heavens and he released the energy in a breath. She breathed in. There was nothing like that moment... the boy saw God, the boy saw God.

Remembering

The way you kissed me
Tongue slipping inside
Your eyes on my collar bone
Dot-to-dot with my freckles
Stadium love with dirt in our hair

Blinds barely parted
My body moving on yours
Mirror, mirror
Slanted shadows on your gold sheets
Beer cases and my scent,
Infecting your room

Touch my skin again
Kiss my neck and fall together
How curious the past makes me
You scatter through my mind
Will I see you.. feel you?

tick tock

it's officially time to leave, lets go. leave all this shit behind and start new somewhere else. i don't want to know you anymore. i don't want to remember, or see you again. time has run out and i'm done.

Fire.

I am burning inside. My body sets on fire, rushing through my veins, hot lava that blackens my core. I want to scream, tear at you, to grab you and pull you up to me.. so I can kiss you, my fingers tangled in your hair, my mouth on yours, my tongue tasting you finally. I want my body pressed on yours, on a wall, on a desk, just on you. I can't stand to see you, it makes me hate you. And then I only want you more.

Something needs to change

There is a difference between being happy and feeling sad and being sad and feeling happy.

Something big needs to happen, something needs to change.

Different people, different things..

It's hard to look at myself and see beauty, when I can feel all my flaws.
It's hard to think of you and accept the fact that you are so different now.
It's hard to know that he lives three states away.
It's hard to think that a connection, undeniable and so fiery, could be with someone who hurts me so bad.
It's hard to understand what drives my feelings and my actions.
It's hard to say no. It's harder to say yes.
It's hard to believe you are a better person, you were so good before, I think you were better then.
It's hard to watch you fall for me.. when you are worth so much, and I am not for you.
It's hard to be nice, when I am angry at other people, I'm sorry I took it out on you.
It's hard to smile when I want to cry. It's hard to be happy when I'm not.
It's hard to feel so alone.

Autumn Equinox

I'm looking outside my window this very moment, and I can see the sunshine and the white clouds lounging in the sky. But the song playing through my speakers is telling me something different. Cold air, that first breath as I walk outside so early in the winter morning. The way the sun seems to still be sleeping and how the chill slips under the edge of my jacket and gives my skin goosebumps.. I want to just stand and breathe in, feel the air entering my lungs and circulating throughout my entire body..
I look outside at this very moment.. and the song is lying.. it's still warm, its still summer in the desert.. but not for long.

Beats

Pure Fiction

Last year, my first year of college, I walked into my first college level photography class on the first Monday of school. Overwhelmed with the size of the school and finding the building my class was in, I sat down in relief seeing the smaller sized class. I looked around, interested in the people and the environment I had found myself surrounded with. I was particularly caught up by a skinny boy with dark curly hair, I found myself drawn to him, though I had never met him before. I was too nervous to talk to him, or anyone else for that matter, so I stayed quiet for the first few classes. I noticed the same dark haired boy in a few of my other classes, since art kids seemed to all have the same classes. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him, he was stunning, his body seemed to move by music and I longed to discover who he really was. I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him one day in photo class when we were supposed to photographing objects. I photographed him instead. Using a glass jar as an excuse, I asked him to hold it in his hands while he sat crossed legged on the floor. Behind the lens of the camera I found no fear in exploring his face and the way he held himself. His eyes stared back at me and I swear he could feel the electricity coming from my body as I got my first real glimpse of him.

            Time went on and the dark haired boy and I began to sit together in class and talk to each other as friends. But something was burning inside me, and every time I was near him I set on fire. My legs were so close to his in the tight rows of lecture halls. My hands hung off the edge of the armrests, daringly near to his own fingertips resting on his thighs. And one day I caved in; I began to flirt shamelessly, with playful touches to his arm and overdrawn eye contact. I could not resist the undeniable chemistry between us, and I soon found out he couldn’t either. He began to flirt back and that damn smile that danced on his face, I was so overtaken by him and his ways. We texted all night, we talked all through class; I dreamed and daydreamed about him. I was thoroughly infatuated with him and I wanted him to be mine.

            I tried desperately to get the dark haired boy to spend time with me outside of class, but failed all but one time. I was lost; I swear he felt the same way I did yet he would never hang out with me. I hated being so persistent, but I was fixated. I confronted him about the mixed signals he was sending me and finally broke down the wall. He was seeing someone else. The dark haired boy had been in a relationship for years. I was shocked, I was furious, I cried, I was so confused. I only assumed everything that had been between us to be over. But we were already intertwined and with chemistry like we had, there was no way we could have been done.

            I considered the morals in going for what I wanted despite the situation, and for a few weeks, the good in me won out. I texted the dark haired boy less, I even sat away from him a few times, but it couldn’t last. I desired him more than anything and I wasn’t going to give up. I could feel the fire still burning in me when I heard his name or saw his face. So it was on again. And the dark haired boy put little fight against me.

            Our day-to-day, week to week exchange continued on as it had left off. Subtle flirtations and racy comments dropped by each of us. Every day was hard, but some were impossible to try to resist my attraction to him. One day that stands out more than any other was halfway through the semester in our photo class. We were working on a project that required the use of the dark room, something I had never used before. The dark haired boy had experience in the dark room and offered to help me with the project. Down in the dark room it was quiet, murmurs from the other students, only a slight red glow to make our hands visible. At a projection lamp station I had my photos laid out and I stood pressed up to the table. He came up behind me and stood just a breath away. I could feel his body without it even touching me, heat radiated off of him. He spoke low, explaining how to work the machine, but I couldn’t focus on anything but how close he was. I craved him right then and there. I wanted to reach out in touch him; I had to take deep breaths to keep my head from spinning. My body was alive, electric waves surged through my veins; I had goose bumps and butterflies going insane in my stomach.

            It was desperation, infatuation and pure chemistry. That dark haired boy had a grip on me that I never wanted to be free off. The semester ended, another one started and still I craved him. We drifted apart for reasons relating to his other, but there was always that random text, that awkward run in, that song that brought him to the front of my mind again. As summer started, I was far from him and I was well enough distracted away from his red lips. Then the dream happened. The dream where I was woken from sleeping by butterflies so fierce, butterflies caused by a kiss, a kiss that was created by my subconscious and landed in my dream. A kiss that haunted me because I knew I would never get a real one.

            The texting started again, he bravely slipped how he wished he had the dream as well, and I taunted him with the idea of me again. The summer flew by with a few nights of texts where the dark haired boy stepped outside the safety lines of a relationship and into the dangerous darkness that enveloped our entire connection. Four days into the new semester of school, I ran into the dark haired boy. It had been months, and he looked like a cigarette to a failing addict. We spoke briefly in person, I cried briefly afterwards to a friend, and that was that. But I couldn’t put it to rest; it devoured me inside. So I questioned him, I challenged his motives and his true desires and I got a confession but our situation still remains unchanged. He was in the same place as me; we couldn’t deny the powerful attraction that still drew us together, but he was the still attached to another.

            This dark haired boy has captured me and I just can’t give up on him.

That Party Scene

I like my music a little too loud

My nights a bit overdrawn

I like to stare into your eyes a bit too long

And walk just slow enough

So you can catch on

Behind closed doors

I am your fire

And you are too perfect to last longer then one night

Want me, crave me

It’s a feeling you won’t soon forget..

Though it’s hard to remember

When liquid courage is mixed with

Just the right song

Those few minutes

Can feel like all night long

It’s really just all those people

And all those thoughts

That drives us together

But when we breathe too loud

To understand our feelings

It’s that sensation of not knowing

Who we could really be

That makes me want you

And you want me

Tortured

A song on repeat

You’re constantly on my mind

A dangerous obsession

When your are one of my kind

I can’t let it go,

I need to see what it is about you

That drives me into this endless daydream

The moves you make

When I’m awake

Haunt me into the night

I lay in bed

Tortured and confused

But I just can’t stop thinking about you

Music thumping

My heart uncontrolled

Hot room,

Your body

Senses overload

And I dream away another day

Being Who I Am

Sometimes being myself isn't the easiest. It is always hard to accept how you feel and who you are when you are faced with people who constantly judge you or demean you. It makes me want to hide in a big sweatshirt, watch a sob-worthy movie, my personal favorite is Crazy/ Beautiful, and stop thinking about anything and everything. I know who I am and who I aspire to be; now I just need the confidence to show everyone. So even when the world isn’t listening, I expose my deepest secrets, my best tricks to living, and I carry on with my head high. It’s never easy, but at the end of the day, when the only person left to judge me is myself, I am satisfied.