Waiting

I am so sorry. But now it's time for us to move forward. I will fix this. I won't give up. East coast or down the street, you will still mean the same to me. I won't let you go.

what is it that makes us want to be skinner? skinner than skinny? what is it that makes us want to drop five pounds from the five pounds we just dropped? what is it?

Don't be too easy on yourself.. don't be to hard on yourself.. people keep changing what I need to be to myself. But here is what I believe, I fucked up. I made a mistake, one that changes things. But I was honest to you, I was ready to grow and learn from it, but you left me in the dust. And I'll I have learned is that people don't forgive, people don't truly care. Because I truly care.. and when you made a mistake I was willing to look past it and form something stronger with the truth in my hands. I made a mistake, it was horrible, but if you can't even try to move past it with me, than were you really ever trying to go anywhere with me?

starting again

things change fast, i feel so unwelcome in my own life, like it doesn't want me there. i've let great things go, and bad things take me in. i've been making mistakes and learning fast and painfully. i've been crying, screaming, i've been scared and lost and embraced and sick and forgotten and involved and let go. i have no idea where to go, if i should walk or run.. but i can only move forward towards the infinite possibilities.

Unreal

Long time coming, you finally sat on my bed. Those rolled up skinny jeans and dark flannel covering your skin and bones. Once short hair, now long, dark against your smooth skin. Your breathing was wary, your lips impossible to avoid, you spoke smoothly, slowly, thoughtfully. I hung on every word like a kid on slippery monkey bars, quickly grasping the next before the last slipped away. Our legs were only a few inches apart, electricity jumping from our knees, hot skin prickling. It was late and there was no reason to go out now, so we sat quietly, anxious each other’s presence. We spoke about anything…  and nothing… and everything. We lied with a reasonable distance between our frames, but I could still feel the heat of your body glowing onto the sheets. As the night dissolved, exhaustion took place of nerves and we sank closer together in the bed. You smelled like cinnamon and the air at dusk, and you sounded like a song on my favorite CD. Night wore into early morning and we found ourselves stirring after a few hours of unexpected slumber. Still rubbing sleep from our eyes we laughed in the pureness of being tangled in dreams together.

            Yesterday’s warm day gave no warning for the morning’s cool air, and I pried the window open. We listened as the wind brought the clouds closer and a light rain began to fall. The drizzling awoke our bodies and without a warning you pulled me close. Your mouth touched the side of my face, soft lips running over my cheek. At the edge of my mouth you paused and I gasped a tiny breath. We tasted each other, our lips softly playing and our tongues tangling. My hands explored your collarbones, your thin chest; rib bones under my fingertips. My mouth followed and tasted your skin. You sighed and pulled my body on top of yours and kissed me hard and long. You held me tight and flipped over so you could press your body onto mine. You breathed down my stomach, your lips sliding along my skin. In a careful mess of hands we removed the now unwanted clothing and continued to kiss and touch. You were so sweet on my lips, like sugar; you melted on my tongue.

My head was so calm and clear for a girl who never wanted someone so badly. But it was just so right, you were everything I needed at that moment; you touched my body like I was unreal to you, like you were afraid I’d disappear if you didn’t hold on tight enough. I was never so sure of anything in my whole life. With the rain pattering on the screen behind our head you carefully swept your body along mine. We both murmured in the ecstasy of the sensation of our bodies joining. We moved with our heartbeats, our fingers entangled in each other’s hair. Our pulse drove us to finally cry out and sink into the blankets, warm with the heat from our desires. I nestled my face into your chest and your fingers found mine and intertwined. A whisper of wind twisted into the room and I looked up to the window; the clouds had darkened. I smiled as the rain began to come down harder and harder than before.  

Untitled

My nose hurts like blood and my head like three hours of sleep and no coffee. My tongue is white in the middle from overcooked, overdue lunch and my lips are cracked on the edge from fake smiles and a dry heat. My fingers throb from vainly applied glue and plastic ripped off by cheap glue and plastic filled with overpriced odds and ends. My eyes close from an onset anxiety attack and my mouth droops in an inevitable frown. My body yells out in tender muscles torn and bruised from 40% alcohol by volume and music that provides me my only solace. Everything I know changes today. My heart beats unnaturally to tell you goodbye, I am just not sure if I should ever see you again, because everything I know changes today, and I never really got to know you, so I think you will stay the same.

My skins shivers in the haunted house of yesterday's life.

anxiety attack

i guess i have a little issue (that many, many people have) of holding in my emotions. starting last thursday evening, things stopping going my way. in fact they went quite the opposite way. it started with something as silly as a party, but the backstory to it all made for some very upsetting results then i missed classes the next day thanks to being extremely sick and tired from not sleeping. i proceeded to start the next week with the first guy i've like in a long ass time (two years..) ending our little "thing" that was going on. it hurt like  hell but i didn't want to talk about it to my friends in fear of breaking down. then wednesday i was waiting for results on a casting call, which they presented over two full days. those two days were spent anxiously awaiting my picture to be put up.. but no, i didn't get it. it was rough, i haven't wanted something so bad in a long long time. but again, i just held my head high and pretended i was alright. on thursday i started getting dizzy and shaky, but i had been sick, so i blew it off as that. i went to a party, was rudely insulted in front of a group of people by a boy with an ego way to big for his mediocre looks and then i wandered off into the land of intoxication. stayed up till 5 am doing home work and then woke up 3 hours later for school. friday was stressful, with a final and then getting ready for formal, which i was attending without the date i was hoping for (the before mentioned boy). i was dizzy and shaky and trying to have fun and holding in my extreme disappointment. no less than 15 friends stayed over that night and i only grabbed another 5 hours of sleep before being woken up to drinking. the day started strong and ended a few hours later with random people in my apartment and fights between roommates. after everyone and thing was sorted out, i was not only dizzy to a ridiculous amount, i was beyond upset, angry, tired and completely done with everything going on around me. i went to bed at 12 wondering if i was seriously ill. 14 hours of sleep later i physically felt much better, less shaky and dizzy. but i'm still very upset and i just don't know what to do about it. i just can't seem to let myself relax enough to talk about it or just cry or scream or hit something. i'm going crazy! i just can't release it and i feel it building inside me again. i'm waiting for someone to help me, but i won't let anyone near me. i am to embarrassed to admit how much i liked this guy or how much the casting call meant to me to any of my friends, yet i can't even break down when i'm alone, because i feel so stupid. it's all just too much for me and i'm going to break.

ex

Everyone has that one ex. They are the one person that you most want to tell when you start talking to someone knew. They usually are the person least possible to tell. They make you furious by just being. Seeing their status on fb? The worst. Accidently drunk texting them? Unthinkable, but it has happened… a few times. They are the one with the new lover, the new job, the new life and you always feel so mundane. So your new lover, new job, new life is front page news of course! Someone is bound to tell them… someone has to tell them, “Hey will you tell them?” Just to make sure they know. They were the one who hurt you the most, meant the most. The one who still lingers on your mind, the one who still appears in your dreams. They are the one who you swear you are over, but in reality… a part of you will always love them. You hate them the most because you loved them the most. They are the one you compare all of your new flames too… not many can really compare though. They are the one who you look back sweetly on… realize it and turn a good memory into a bitter one. But they do provide good things, they keep you from settling, they keep you picky and remembering them always gives you raw, real emotions. They are the one that confused you. Why? Why is it over? It never made sense, the more time that passes, the less you understand. You look back and you wonder if you could have changed the outcome. They are the ex you will always remember.

You have that ex… but who knows, you could also be that ex. 

the more people in my life

the lonelier i feel


i just want someone to lay next to at night..

will you tell her?

i was in love with a girl once.


i can't remember her face


but she's from around here,


so if you know her, will you tell her?
that once i was in love with her..


she was holding my hand and i didn't want her to let go
she was wearing a little girl dress..


her hair was messy brown and so pretty under a hat


she danced next to me all night, i wanted to dance with her
she found me the next day and let me stare into her eyes from two steps away
she left me that night, and i haven't stopped remembering her since


i was in love with a girl once.

in the tone of infatuation

You’re a bright light, baby, you are such a bright light,

You are shinning in my bed, lighting up our storybook under the covers

Baby I’ve been waiting for this moment for almost a year now

You with your teaching degree and me with my notebook ready for notes

I sat front row until I had to sit back row because of the electrocution risk

Your movement was fiery; your existence had me sweltering

I’d scribble fake words while my mind played a movie of you

Holding me against the whiteboard, our hands over each others mouths

And then it was no longer a play-pretend nightly fantasy

You were graduated and I was so perfectly alone

I gave you a flower and stared at your hands while you reached out

You spoke in French for me and I stopped breathing

It was too long denied and too hard to do so, but still I longed for you

When you finally came over to my bed and The Smiths were playing

I kissed you and you poured out your passion from your shaking fingertips

You tasted exactly like I always imagined

My heart frazzled out to a stop but you shocked me to life again

When you told me that you had always been so overwhelmed by me as well

nap time

if i lay in bed long enough, i can pretend its raining outside..

i need to find that old me, i think

as i lay still, pretending pitter pats on the window

i like who i am now

but i lost my confidence along my way here

i forgot what it was like to feel more than capable

more beautiful

more than enough for anyone

i forgot what it was like to think someone doesn't deserve me

i am better than i give myself credit for

i'm still in bed, and i'm crying lyrics out

candles flickering in the wet wind

the smell of rain

its all in my mind

but if i just lay still enough

it's all real

the dirty mistress

Something about me must taunt these men. They lack the knowledge I know of myself, so I must be a vision to them. Messy blond hair and seductive eyes, I must be this youthful temptress. And it's possibly worse when they learn details. A nineteen year old virgin? Big red lips and a untouched body? Of course they couldn't be satisfied with their aging wives or controlling girlfriends. But really, what is it? What do I do to attract these men? And always the ones I am not interested in. Why couldn't the teacher I crave, with his delicious passion and vintage attitude, fall for me like these other men do? What do I have to do to get his attention? I sit in class and fantasize for fifty minutes of pushing him against the whiteboard, of him coming close and kissing my collarbone, of finding secret notes on the back of my assignments, telling me when and where to meet him. But nonetheless I am alone, alone with inappropriate not-so-secret admirers leaving me love notes, which will forever be without a response because I swim in a different dead sea.

there is no one

Laying face down on the couch

sick to your stomach

because nothing works anymore

and you don't know how to manage

you never wanted to depend on the pills

but now when you shake, you want to take

more and more, whatever will make you numb to this pain

simple exchanges, not even the most basic

can provide what you want

there is nothing that can provide what you want

i like to paint

warning: splatter painting can be messy

goodbye, you've treated me well

au revoir la sage bleue, tu m'as donné la vie depuis si longtemps

jam

this is the song i listen to while being heavily influenced by edie sedgwick's style.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLK7hrRijes
cigarette anyone?

goodnight moon vs. searching for used banjo

i have trouble tucking in for bed when i know waking up is around six hours later and filled with tempting dreams. each day i grow older and farther away from those things i did that i love.. and that i hate.. each day i breathe in and think.. what is today? will i write pointless papers and meet pointless people? or will i procrastinate and let my body be sucked in by the world wide texting entertainment machine of pure waste? or will i go buy a used banjo and teach myself to play? will i kiss a stranger? or tell someone i crave that i think they are wonderful? i wake up every morning to fight with my alarm, because its hard to decide what the day will be.


will i sit next to beautiful people at la cour de l'amour.. taste rain on my open lips.. feel the wind write notes on my skin? 

bones sinking like stones.. sinking like..

Looking out the window, everything is moving so fast. My eyes stress to focus on the car half-blurred by the shaded glass and the speed that we move. I now refuse to focus on real things. Real things fade too fast, the car disappears around a corner, the balloon turns to a spec of dust in the dull blue sky. Real things never fade, the tree is still in front of the building that it still on the campus that hurts my soul from my sole up through the entirety of my body. I much prefer to focus on pretend things. The flowers that creep up the sides of every building, post, gate, bench.. the flowers that i usually can't see, but can always sense. They do not need to fill my vision to be apart of the world i perceive. My eyes can easily focus on the rainbow-colored lights that wrap around the crowd's bodies, the whispers in the wind, the little rain cloud that shuffles along above my head as i slowly step through my day. "Bones sinking like stones.." sinking like..

on the floor

My body needs to be stretched and twisted and bended and stimulated. I need to remind myself of the things i love so much, but have lost in the flurry of hating everything. I want to be flexible and comfortable again. No more aching back, no more tight calves. I need a bridge, a butterfly, a down dog, a dancers, a clasp. My muscles are craving movement and my body has been cooped up for too long.

blank

i have so much to say but i can't hardly find the words to explain it..
i'm feeling like an uninspired but desperate artist

did i rage against the day?

sometimes it just hurts

self-infliction/pleasure pain?

My legs are covered in scars, reminders of my lack of awareness or lack of caring. Scrapes from tripping and falling, nicks from shaving and cuts from new shoes all take a part of the history of small pains. My hands have scars from working, from clumsiness, from paper cuts and boredom. My face has scars from piercing and the inside edges of my hips from tattoos. All these scars reflect a moment of hurt. But what has been my choice? What did i do to myself? What did i want and desire to feel? The needle dragging ink under my skin was delicious.. the vibrations on my bone and the slicing feel of art was pain for pleasure. The breaking of skin and tissue to slide a metal bar through me? An aphrodisiac to those who could taste vanity. Another cut from shaving.. a scrap from my sharp nails.. a gash from falling off my board? Those may not be consciously self-inflicted.. but the pain is still desirous. We crave these little hurts to cover up for the greater hurts we hide.

impatience

your image fills my thoughts
i want you
and i hate waiting.

the burning path of honesty

i honestly could see us. i base everything off of instinctual feelings, gut reactions, energy alive in the situations... and i could just feel my skin burning when you were near. i want to touch you. grab you and kiss you fiercely.. and if you could live for a risk.. then please, give me this chance. let me start a new chapter for you. when you look at me with those x-ray eyes i know you thought about it too. so forget comfort or habit or fear and place wide-eyed, honest chance on the line. let yourself try me.

fragmented

i now reside in a dream-like alter-reality that has consumed my mind and caused a fierce life in death. i do not breathe anymore. my body needs no more then the dangerous words written on the horizon.. and my soul just needs desperate inspiration.